Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Definitive Guide to Submitting Your Resume in Sand Land

Are you new to Sand Land? Looking for a job? Well, before you unwittingly commit a job search faux pas, allow me to offer a word of caution: The etiquette for submitting your resume to a Sand Landian organization is quite different from the process you might have followed back home. But don't fret, Ms. Adventures is here to help! Today, I'll walk you through the whole process step-by-step. I've even included a real life example for future reference.

Ok, we've got alot to cover, so let's get going:

Step #1: Create a Resume that Gets Noticed:

In all likelihood, you'll need to toss out your existing resume and start anew - the end product will bear no semblance to the resume you used back home.

It is of vital importance that your CV begin with an "infodump" - a list of personal details such as:
  • marital status
  • spouse's name
  • parents' names
  • religion 
  • gender
  • passport number
Folks, I simply can't stress enough how important is it that I know you parents' names and your religious beliefs when I'm considering whether to hire you. But please note, it is not considered acceptable to include things like your telephone number and your email. If you must list some contact information, put someone else's...preferably that of a relative or acquaintance working elsewhere in the region. (More on the reasoning behind this later.)

 Next, you'll need to elaborate on your previous experience. Lengthy stream-of-conscious paragraphs are preferred. If you really want to stand out, make sure you use a few different fonts and font sizes. In Sand Land, this signifies to the an employer that you are a veritable expert in MS Word - sticking to one font is the hallmark of the novice who is ignorant of the fact that multiple fonts exist. Discerning use of the Comic Sans font is a sure fire way to get yourself noticed.

Above all, do not use concise bullet points to summarize your work experience. This is too sparse for the Sand Landian employer's aesthetic. Should you have any trouble at all coming up with verbose paragraphs detailing your experience, simply hop on the internet and use the old "control c/control v" trick. Nothing screams "I'm an honest, upstanding employee" like a sprinkle of plagiarism.

(Note: This "control c/control v" technique also proves extremely handy should you need to claim experience that you don't actually possess.)

If you find that there are hyperlinks embedded in the text you've lifted from Wikipedia, by all means, leave them in. The underlines will help draw the recruiter's attention to key words and phrases that are sure land you the coveted interview.

Ok, so next up are the all important hobbies - or as some Sand Landian job hunters say, "hobbs." Much like your religious beliefs and your parents' names, these are a critical piece of the puzzle for the Sand Landian employer. You may even want to consider placing them directly below the infodump and above your work experience. We prospective employers have unlimited time to pour over your resume and you definitely want us to waste use some of that time learning what you like do when you're not at work.

A final word of advice on creating a killer Sand Land-style resume: DO NOT proofread or spellcheck your creation. Little typos here and there lend an air of whimsy to your resume.

Step #2: Save Your Resume:

When saving your resume, be sure to label it something vague like "CV" or "resume" or "want job." Avoid including your name or any indication of the post to which you are applying. This sounds counter intuitive, but trust me - much like omitting your email and telephone number from the resume, there's a very good reason for this that I'll get to later.

Step #3: Print Your Resume:

When you find a job for which you want to apply, you might be tempted to simply email your resume to the point of contract listed in the classified ad. But, no, no, no, my friend. That's not the way we kick it here in Sand Land. You should print your resume and proceed directly to Step #4.

Step #4: Allow Your Printed Resume to Age Nicely, Like a Premium Cut of Beef or a Fine Wine:

As soon as you're done printing your resume, put it on your kitchen counter for a few days. If you spill tea or coffee on it, all the better! Your prospective employer is likely to be a caffeine junkie, too. The presence of a coffee or tea stain signals to them that not only are they getting a new employee, they're also gaining a coffee break buddy - who can resist a twofer? Not me.

Step #5: Fold Your Resume:

After aging your resume, fold it in two places, much like you would fold a letter that you intend to put in an envelope. But don't put your resume in an envelop or any other protective cover.

Step #6: The Hand Off:

Give your folded resume to your spouse (or parent, or friend or neighbor) and ask them to take it to work with them. Specify that you want them to put it in their back pocket or shirt pocket until lunchtime. This will give your resume a rumpled appearance that is much prized amongst Sand Landian employers.

Step #7: Lunchtime:

Instruct the person in possession of your resume to eat lunch over it. Fresh food stains will signify that you're a discerning foodie who is capable of making delectable contributions to the company potluck.

Step #8: Scanning and Upload:

After lunch, your resume's caretaker should proceed with scanning the document. It is best to do this one page at a time and to upload each page separately - do not combine the pages into a single file!! If this seems illogical to you, think back to your childhood. Did you want one present or *many* presents for your birthday/Christmas/whatever-holiday-you-celebrated? If you were like me (a greedy little shit) you wanted boatloads of presents. Garner some goodwill from your prospective employer by turning your resume into the gift that keeps on giving.

Tell the person that, when they save your resume, they should employ the same vague naming technique you used in Step #2. "CV1" "CV2" "CV3", etc.

And if you really want to spice things up, make sure some pages are scanned in a different direction. It shows that you were one of those rebel kids who colored outside the lines (and who generally grow up to be kickass happy hour companions).

Step #9: Hitting Send:

Now it's time for your spouse/friend/neighbor to send your resume. Remind them not to include your contact information. From the employer's perspective it is preferable for this person to include either their own contact information or none at all. Allow me to elaborate:

Remember how I told you to avoid putting contact details in your resume? And how I warned you not to name your resume anything specific that might tell me who you are and what job you want? The dirty little secret is that we prospective employers have nothing to do besides sift through the resume slush pile. Until your friend sends me your resume,  I'm sitting around staring at the walls, twiddling my thumbs and generally bored off my ass.

But all that monotony dissipates when I get your resume! Finally I have something awesome to do: Put my amateur sleuth skills to the test and figure out who you are, what you're qualified to do and how I can get in touch with you. Suddenly, I'm the protagonist in a Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys novel. Sweet!

Always keep in mind that prospective employers love the thrill of the chase. It is called a job hunt, afterall...as in I'm hunting for you! Recruiters are like the male suitor in a relationship. Most of the fun is in the pursuit. Hard to get = Better! So be coy, be sly, and above all be unreachable.

Now, I know your head must be spinning after all these tips. But take heart, you can always refer to the example below in case you need to double check that you've gotten it right. Happy job hunting!


  1. Hysterical post and a wonderful example of a measured rant. Outstanding!


  2. Oh God, I wrote this exact post a million times in my head. You absolutely nailed it.More please!

  3. Your applicant is a mere novice –

    they didn’t provide you with lurid colours to suggest areas of added interest for you,
    a head shot - like a death-mask to suggest longevity,
    a skin description like ‘wheatish’ to suggest high class,
    a current location thousands of kilometers away to suggest the ability to Teleport in for interviews ,
    a star sign to suggest the right characteristics,

  4. I just spilled my coffee reading this!

    Excellent advice, I shall rectify my CV immediately!!

    Awesome stuff!

  5. That What I:
    LOL @ wheatish and starsign. When I see that on resumes I just chuck them.

  6. Hahahaha!! Oh my goodness, hilarious stuff. And 'That's What I', I am LOVING 'wheatish'.

  7. Pretty much everything you said also applies to assignments from university students...

  8. UD, we tried our best to bring this superstar onboard and I have no doubt she would have rocketed to the top. But she turned us down to become captain of Sand Land's national "Throw Ball" team...why work when you can get paid to do your hobbs?

    Suburban, it's so reassuring that you've seen this stuff, too. I hope you're recovering nicely! :)

    Bravo, bravo "That's What"!! I'm a bit bummed I haven't gotten skin color and zodiac signs yet...better go place another classified in the "newspaper." The resume I posted did have said death mask, but I removed it. It's the American in me, all worried about somebody suing me for defamation.

    Mr. Sythe, it's a damn shame you didn't have your CV handy to soak up that coffee. :)

    Lounge, I would so loooove to read some insights on the universities in this region. Considering that the website for Sand Land's local engineering college doesn't even spell the word "website" correctly, I'm sure the stories would be epic. Let me know if you're interested in sharing a tale or two with us.

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  10. Awesome :) !! Your posts are getting more and more hilarious !!

  11. You fucking KILL me!
    One of the best blogs in the region.


  12. Thanks, Willy and Jet Driver. You all are very kind!

  13. This is the stuff of legend!!! xD

    Brightened up a sod-all Saturday morning, some collegues think I've lost it as I've been chuckling just seeing that last CV page....

    Excuse me while I trawl through your blog and kill more time :D

  14. Thanks, Kapil. Glad you are enjoying. The "Curriculum Vita" does make for some entertaining reading. It takes a special person to master radio frequency ID, hair design and throw ball...

  15. Oh my word. I just found your blog and I have to say this is the best.resume.ever. I'm so jealous of you.

  16. Thanks, Suzanne! Coming from the Evil HR Lady, that is one serious compliment to my anonymous job applicant! My resume slush pile is rife with such gems. Perhaps you should consider a move to Sand Land?

  17. Not sure what country you are in, but we're heading to Oman and Dubai next week for vacation.

    I'm excited. I'm especially excited that I'm not hiring anyone.

    Oh, and I loved this post so much that I linked to it today at http://evilhrlady.blogspot.com/2010/12/best-resume-ever.html

  18. There could be a cultural element to this resume. Most people in Denmark do disclose information on their resume such as marital status, number of children, and age. However, Danes believe that it is important to mention these things.

  19. Haha, your commentary was hilarious!

    But yeah, I agree with T2. There are so many places in the world where things like photos and the personal details are crucial. It must be tough for newcomers to North America to figure out what they're doing wrong as they apply for jobs.

  20. Suzanne, hope you have a wonderful time in Dubai/Oman next week. They are both lovely places - gorgeous weather this time of year. Thanks so much for posting the link to my blog on your site! :)

    T2 & Jen, you are correct that there may be a cultural element to the "infodump" at the top of the resume. While this may be standard practice in some places, I would contend that it is not the most effective way to grab the employer's attention. Maybe these kinds of details are better placed at the end, with the person's most marketable skills closer to the top? But then again, despite the name of the blog, my background is not in HR so I could have it all wrong.

  21. I'm surprised it didn't say "interrogate all supply chains."

  22. I've spent the past hour reading your blog, and could not stop laughing!! I should add a few more things I see in resumes on a regular basis:

    1) full body pictures of female applicants (cleavage shots also abound)
    2) weird company names like "Shitco" (i kid you not!!!!!)
    3) Non-coherent movement between jobs: how does someone move from "administration assistant" to "business management professor" who is applying for the post of DRIVER!!!!!!!

    Keep it up!

  23. OMG, I was about to die laughing, GREAT post!