Friday, December 3, 2010

Tales from the Resume Slush Pile: The Skillionaires

In both school and the work place, I've always motivated myself by keeping in mind that there are many talented people competing with me for the same opportunities. Most of these people are probably smarter than me and a good many are probably more hardworking. So if I want to get into a decent school or be gainfully employed, I'd better work hard and acquire marketable skills.

Perhaps you job hunters here in Sand Land will also find this mind trick useful as you work toward landing that dream job?  Well, please allow me to assist you by giving you an idea of what you're up against. Straight from the Resume Slush Pile, I've gleaned a sampling of the skills your competitors are sporting.

A word of caution before we proceed: In all likelihood, you do not currently possess talents comparable to those of the "Skillionaires." In fact, prior to stumbling across this post, you were probably unaware that many of these skills exist. Seeing the stiff competition you face may cause severe anxiety, so it's best to avoid comparing your present self to The Skillionaires. At this stage of the game, simply use The Skillionaires as inspiration - an insight into what might be if you work really really hard and persevere.

In order to avoid feeling depressed or overwhelmed by The Skillionaires, you'll need to get yourself in the right mindset before scrolling any further. Do a few push ups, watch an episode of He-Man, put on the "Rocky" theme or "Eye of the Tiger"...whatever helps you get pumped up. As you behold the prowess of The Skillionaires, keep telling yourself: "I, too, can become a Skillionaire if I exhibit virtue, dedication and courage. I have the POWER! RAAAWWWRRRR!!!!!!!!"

You most certainly do, job hunters of Sand Land.

(1) Expert in the Encoderation of the Desk computer.

(2) Can efficiently communicate with other nationals verbally and in written.

(3) Full license to do international computer driving things.

Ummm...uhhhhh....jiggah what??????

(4) Able to perform any kind of Dancing

Me [lighting cigarette and buzzing secretary like Don Draper]: "Hey Joanie, send in the dancing girls, it's been a loooong day. And get me an Old Fashioned while your at it."

(5) Able to do Pilates, Tae-boo, Aerobics

Darn, we at Fuckwittery, Inc. are only interested in people who can participate in our lunchtime Strippercize and Jazzercize classes.

(6) Academic qualifications can't do it

Yes. This is real - and most probably true based on my experiences with Sand Land's education system.

(7) Excellent ability for pleasuring customers with gratitude

Cheeky, cheeky, cheeky...

(8) I can do the counts and I also can do the multiplix

Wowza! This sounds like complicated shit. I've never even heard of "multiplix" - it must be something you get to after Differential Equations. I didn't have the bandwidth to venture past good ol' Diffy Q...

(9) Always soar the company to better hites assuming the cooption of the work mates!

Fair enough, but what happens when the work mates don't coop with you?

(10) Far reaching knowledge about the day- to day activities of any job

Word up, job hunters! My humble advice is to put this exact phrase on your CV. Front and center. This is pretty much exactly what every employer is looking for.

Hey Mr. Any Job, mind if I clone a mini-army of you? It would really make my life easier...and more fun! To start with, I could take the Resume Slush Pile to the beach tonight, set it aflame, cook s'mores over it and dance around it. Then I could take an extended vacation while you and the gang hold down the fort.

(12) I am always Carving the winning edge for teh Organization

(13) I have the skills of exercising an "executive view" and decision making ability, or so to say, I traffick in operating skills.

You know, it's funny you mention that. When people tell me they're capable of making decisions, I always find myself thinking: "Self, this person must be another one of those 'operating skills traffickers'." Great minds think alike, huh? :)


  1. MHR – I think you underestimate these job hunters. If someone writes, ‘I am applying for suitable position with your company, as my experiences will enable me to perform diligently and execute assignments in time and professionally’ they know that you know they have no idea what they have written and have no intention, should they be selected, of performing diligently or executing anything in a timely or professional manner. It is a mere ruse that will allow them to spend an hour or two in your office after the closing date bitching and moaning at not being selected due to their lack of wasta, complaining about their lack of training and poor promotion prospects and hoping you might feel sorry for them and re-write their CV or perhaps have a word with Mr X at company Y.

  2. Mr. Steve, lol, that sums up some of my good Omani firends to a T. if one knows their real skills, they can write a better CV for them and direct them to employment which might actually suit them. I've had to do this countless times, but it really isn't an HR job. It says something about the Omani education system lacking career preparation and counselling.

  3. I'm still chuckling over how wrong my cv is and now I see I am missing a lot of vital job skills.

    Good point there from Mr Steve.

  4. Fantastic post! Too funny and oh so true. I rewrote CV's for a few Omani friends myself, after discovering much of the above mentioned!!!