The Unabridged Walk-In Application

In my last post, I described a workplace problem that is endemic to Sand Land: job hunters roaming door-to-door pestering employers to interview/hire them on the spot. Over the past few days, I've received numerous emails asking for a copy of the application that I use to scare away these walk-in job hunters.

The text of my walk-in application is pasted below. After adding copious spaces for the applicant's responses, the formatted version of the application is 13 double-sided pages. Remember, the whole point of this application is to look huge, scary and time-consuming - a magical combination that causes at least 95% of walk-in job hunters to hastily beat cheeks out of my office. The few who do stick around to fill it out usually give up mid-way through. To date, only "Mr. Mechatronist," the subject of my last post, has gone the distance.

For those of you who have the misfortune of dealing with walk-ins, I hope this helps get them out of your hair. For those of you who don't have to deal with walk-ins, the application will probably not make for very interesting reading as it is simply a mixed bag of random and, at times, nonsensical questions.

The Official Misadventures in HR Walk-In Application

First Name:

Middle Name:

Last Name:

Email address:

Mobile number:

Mailing address:

House address:

Landline number:

Fax number:

License plate number:

Driver’s license number:

Age:

Date of Birth:

Nationality:

Passport Number:

High School

Did you complete high school?    

High school graduation date:

Vocational/Professional Training: (please list each training program separately)

Course Title	Course Description	School Name	Dates Attended	Did you graduate?

University: (please list each training program separately)

University Name	Name of Degree Program	Subjects Studied	Dates Attended	Did you graduate?

Post-Graduate Education: (please list each training program separately)

University Name	Name of Degree Program	Subjects Studied	Dates Attended	Did you graduate?

Work Experience: (please list most recent job first)

Job Title	Description	Company	Starting & Ending Dates

Computer Applications:

Program	Description	Rate your skill level from 1 to 5 (1 = basic knowledge, 5 = expert)	How many years have you worked with this program?

How many words can you type per minute type?

Which models of photocopy machines have you worked with?

Which models of printer/scanners have you worked with?

Which models of fax machines have you worked with?

Why do you want to work for this company?

What does this company do?

What are the top three reasons this company should hire you?

List all of the great things that will happen to this company if we hire you:

What are your hobbies?

Spouse’s Name:

Spouse’s date of birth:

Spouse’s occupation:

Spouse’s hobbies:

How many children do you have:

Please list the full names of all your children:

Father’s Name:

Father’s date of birth:

Father’s occupation:

Father’s hobbies:

Mother’s Name:

Mother’s date of birth:

Mother’s occupation:

Mother’s hobbies:

Number of brothers:

Number of sisters:

Please list the full names of all your brothers:

Please list the full names of all your sisters:

How many pets do you have?

Please list the names of all your pets:

Please list the species of all your pets as well as their dates of birth:

What did you eat for breakfast today?

What is the meaning of life?

What is your favorite cuisine? Explain what you like best about this cuisine.

Why did Humpty Dumpty sit on that wall?

What is your favorite type of music?

As a child did you have any imaginary friends? If so, please list their names, genders and approximate ages:

What is the formula for the quadratic equation?

How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?

What is your favorite color and what do you believe this reveals about your true nature?

What is your favorite shade of your favorite color?

Solve the following equation:  5(-3x - 2) - (x - 3) = -4(4x + 5) + 13

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (specify answer in kilograms)

What element are you ruled by: earth, wind, water or fire? Explain what this reveals about you.

What was Paraguay’s 2007 per capita GDP?

If a tree falls in a forest and there is no one around to hear it, do you think it still makes a sound? Why?

New York Yankees or Boston Red Sox? How come?

Have you realized your personal truth? If so, what is it?

What is your astrological sign?

Approximately how often is your astrological horoscope correct?

Solve the following equation: |x - 2| - 4|-6|

Whose version of “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” was better – Bob Dylan or Guns n’ Roses?

What is your favorite movie?

How does the presence of “heteroskedasticity”  and/or “autocorrelation” impair the validity of a statistical equation?  

What Roman general conquered Gaul in the First Century BC?

From memory, write out the lyrics to Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven."

Which actor portrayed James Bond most to your liking?

What is the difference between the product of carbon-12 reacted with chlorine and carbon-14 reacted with chlorine?

Rolling Stones or Beetles? Why?

Which general succeeded Alexander the Great in Thrace?

If given the choice, would you rather be a vampire or a werewolf? Please give at least three reasons for your choice (use complete sentences).

What is the x-intercept of the following equation? 2x - 4y = 9

If you’re driving at night faster than the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, will they work?

How far east can you go before you’re heading west?

When did the last emperor of China ascend the throne?

When does the weather stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

Explain how it’s possible for something to be both “new” and “improved”?      

List all of the countries you have visited in your life:

Do prison buses have emergency exits?

If you could have dinner with three people, living or dead, who would you choose? Why?

In a movie theater, which armrest is yours?

In 1945, an Allied conference decided the partition of Germany in four occupation zones. Where was that conference held?

What is it about lead paint that small children find so delicious?

Is it possible to look into someone’s eyes and see their soul? Why or why not?

What was the most populous tribe of the Iroquois Confederacy?

What is the deal with "blue raspberry" flavoring seeing that there's no such thing as a blue raspberry?

If a genie granted you three wishes, what would you wish for?

Explain the concept of the “efficient frontier” in investment planning?

Who killed JR?

Who founded the Mughal dynasty?

What is your favorite holiday?

What does it mean to “find yourself”? Have you found yourself yet?

What is the difference between the mind resting in tranquility and the mind moving in thought?

How does soap clean?

171 gm of cane sugar is dissolved in 1litre of water. What’s the molarity of solution?

If you could be reincarnated as any animal besides a human, what would you choose to be? Why?

If the professor on Giligan's Island could make a radio out of coconut, why couldn’t he fix a hole in a boat?


With respect to commodities futures, explain the meaning of the terms “backwardation” and “contango”?

How has the increase in commodities speculation influenced the prevalence of futures that are in “backwardation” versus “contango”?


Do you believe in miracles? Why?


What is the population of Shanghai, China?

Summarize the Universal Declaration of Human Rights in no fewer than 5 sentences:

Cake or pie?

In a fight to the death, who would win – a saltwater crocodile or a great white shark? Describe what such a fight would look like and how your pick would gain the upper hand.

How many times did you roll your eyes during the movie Eat, Pray, Love?

List all of the organic elements on the periodic table:

Do you see a glass as half full or half empty? Why?

List all of the planets in the solar system - starting with the planet closest to the sun and ending with the planet that is farthest away.

The ancient city of Antioch lay within the boundaries of what modern country?

What is the highest level you ever attained while playing Super Mario Brothers

What is the longest river in the world?

Explain why you agree or disagree with the premise of the Laffer curve?

Describe the perfect pizza:

Are there more grains of sand on the beach than there are stars in the universe?

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Which is superior: white chocolate, milk chocolate or dark chocolate?

What happens when you wish upon a star?

Explain how it's possible for bull sharks to live in freshwater rivers.

What would the perfect day be like for you?

Where do you think socks that get lost in the laundry go?

How much time did you spend filling out this application?

The Door-to-Door Job Hunt

In the U.S., we often say that someone who is looking for a job is "pounding the pavement." It's a figure of speech implying that the job seeker is scouring vacancy ads, networking and diligently sending out their resume day after day.  The expression doesn't imply that the job seeker is literally running around on the street accosting prospective employers.

But for many Sand Landian job hunters, "pounding the pavement" is a literal endeavor. Rather than (or perhaps, in addition to) responding to job advertisements, legions of people in Sand Land go door-to-door Jehovah's Witness-style in search of suitable employment. In the U.S., this tactic would at best earn you a misdemeanor trespassing conviction and, at worst, it could land you in Jeffrey Dahmer's freezer. But in Sand Land, going door-to-door is apparently a completely acceptable job hunting tactic, as evidenced by the fact that everyone here with a job has stories about wacko walk-ins.

As best I can tell, most walk-ins start at the beginning of the street and go methodically from one commercial enterprise to the next. As I've driven off to appointments, I've seen walk-ins I've turned away going into the other offices, fast food joints and stores that line Fuckwittery, Inc.'s street. Most walk-ins haven't the vaguest notion about what Fuckwittery, Inc. does. And quite frankly, they couldn't give a damn. They have two questions and two questions only: "Will you give me a job?" and "How much will you pay me for this hypothetical, unspecified job?"

When I first started at Fuckwittery, Inc., I got at least 3 walk-ins a week. Despite repeated instructions to the reception desk that all walk-ins should be turned away, many of them would somehow finagle their way into my office. They were genuinely offended when I declined to drop everything and interview them on the spot. A couple even threatened to complain to the government.

In an effort reduce time-wasting confrontations with walk-ins, I created a 13-page front and back "application" one night after I'd had a few dirty martinis. In addition to the usual personal data and experience questions, the walk-in application is riddled with dozens of open-ended, wackadoodle new-agey questions like:

• "What's your favorite color and what do you believe it reveals about your true nature?"
• "Have you uncovered your personal truth? If so, what is it?"
• "Which element are you ruled by: earth, wind, water or fire?"
• "If given the choice, would you rather be a vampire or a werewolf? List three reasons for your choice (in complete sentences)."

I keep a few applications handy in my drawer and when confronted with a walk-in, I smile brightly, shake their hand and ask them to complete the application and return it to me if they wish to be considered for a position. 98% of walk-ins glaze over as they flip through the application and they quickly scuttle off to the furniture store next door.

A few weeks ago, one of the receptionists came to my office to say there was a walk-in that they couldn't get rid of. I handed her a copy of the application and told her to have him fill it out, thinking it would make him run away. An hour and fifteen minutes later she was back in my office with the walk-in following closely behind.

"He completed the application," she said.

"Oh, ok," I said, raising my eyebrows as I took the application from her.

"Excuse me, madam. I'm looking for a job. I'm a mechatronist," he called from the doorway.

My ears instantly perked up. "A...mechatronist?" I asked, tilting my head to the side. My nerdy side and my snarky-evil side were mutually intrigued.

"Yes," he said, nodding purposefully. "I am a trained and professional experienced mechatronist."

"Well then, have a seat. So, tell me, what is a mechatronist?"

"It is a person who is knowledgeable in the discipline of mechatronics."

"Fair enough" I said, nodding my head. "And what is mechatronics?"

"Mechatronics is a cross-subject," he patiently explained. "It is 30% mechanical engineering, 30% robotics and 30% computing."

"What's the last 10%?"

"Um...thinking," he said, looking to the side.

"Sure, take your time," I said.

"No. Thinking is the final 10% of the mechatronics cross-subject," he said, correcting me.

"Oh, I see," I said. "So what does a mechatronist do?"

"We build robots that think."

"Wow! You can build robots? That think? All by yourself?" I asked incredulously.

"Some robots," he replied, nodding confidently.

"So what kind of job are you looking for? I mean, we don't build robots - thinking or otherwise. So I'm not sure what you'd do here."

"I would like a job in marketing or computer programming or business administration," he replied.

"Why? Why would you settle for that when you can build robots?" I asked. "Do you just need alittle pocket money while you build your evil robot army and prepare to launch inter-galactic warfare, Lord Xenu?" I thought to myself.

"My diploma is in business administration, so I want to go for that," he explained.

"I thought you said you were a "mechatronist"? Don't you have to have a degree in mechatronics to be a mechatronist? Or are you self-taught?"

"No," he explained. "I attended a seminar for mechatronics. But my degree is for business administration."

"Oh. How long was the seminar?" I asked.

"Two and a half days," he said, smiling confidently.

"I'll give you a call if we have any openings," I said standing up to usher him out.

(And for those of you who are curious, Mr. Mechatronist elected to be a vampire because he "doesn't like wofs." Suck on that, Team Jacob!)

How to Catch Employees Doing Really Stupid Stuff...Plus a Recipe!!

Years ago, when I was new to the working world, I had the good fortune to report to a boss who was a bastion of workplace wisdom. There were several people in the organization whose technical skills were superior to those of my boss, but he worked his way up the chain of command with common sense and first-rate people management skills. I remember that some of the people in my hiring class didn't like reporting to him because they thought they would learn more by working for one of the organization's more technically gifted quant wizards.

In hindsight, I'm glad I reported to this man. He taught me early on that technical expertise is only going to get you so far. Equally important are your interpersonal skills and your ability to make decisions in a competent manner. Afterall, if we're being honest with ourselves, there will most likely be someone (or some program) more technically gifted than ourselves. Assuming one is reasonably competent in his/her field, one's management skills are most likely to determine career advancement.

My former boss had several direct reports who worked in other cities and one of his favorite sayings was: "If you can't be everywhere, be unpredictable." Once in awhile, he would hop a flight and show up in his employees' offices unannounced to check up on them. Sometimes he'd announce he was heading home early, only to re-appear later to see whether people were getting their work done.

At the time, I didn't have the pleasure of supervising anyone, so I didn't give my boss's tactics much thought. But his unorthodox approach to keeping an eye on people has proven immensely helpful since moving to Sand Land. Between visiting various branches and attending off-site meetings, it is impossible for me to keep an eye on everybody everyday. And sadly, I don't yet have supervisors in each location that I trust to properly hold down the fort.

When I first arrived at Fuckwittery, Inc., most of the employees followed instructions more poorly than Joby The Dog (NSFW). Gradually, things improved thanks to fines, incentives and forcing people to do things over and over again until their work reached an acceptable standard. At least, things seemed better while I was around the office. I always had a sneaking suspicion that the fragile veneer of professionalism cracked when I was away.

So I decided to employ my former boss's "If you can't be everywhere, be unpredictable" tactic. One day, on my way out to a short meeting, I stood in the middle of the reception and proclaimed loudly to all and sundry that I was positively exhausted and would be going home after the meeting...don't come looking for me this afternoon, gang, I won't be here!

When I returned a couple hours later, the office looked pretty much like that scene from the movie "Gremlins" where said monsters take over the town's bar and movie theater. A gaggle of employees loitered around the reception desk while one guy serenaded them with a Hindi love song, gangsta rap blared from another employee's PC, other employees crowded around a computer watching videos on YouTube.



Madam's outta the office - PAAARTY TIME!


"Gang, what's going on?" I called out, pulling off my sunglasses.

A collective gasp went up as people spun around and saw me standing in the middle of the office - deer in the headlights looks and slack jaws all around.

"You said you were going home for the day," the singer protested, a tinge of accusation in his voice.

"I was conducting an experiment...to see if you folks have enough work to do," I countered.

Since then, I've done my best to ensure that all Fuckwittery, Inc. employees have a workload that is roughly 110% of what I believe is feasible. And I've continued to use the "Bye gang, I'm signing out!" trick. The employees of Fuckwittery, Inc. fell for it several times - apparently the prospect of being in the office unsupervised was just too delicious. Gradually, as the ax fell for missed deadlines, the employees wizened up and learned to control themselves while I was away.

Part of me is alittle sad that my co-workers have gotten hip to my game, because I'll probably never again have the pleasure of creeping into the office, hiding behind a plant and watching the front desk staff prepare the following mess-free, work-friendly snack:

Sandwich Sand Landaise.
1 large piece of flatbread
4-5 slices of processed cheese product
12 packets of mayonnaise
4 packets ketchup
1/2 cup mixed vegetable pickle* 
1 packet of potato chips, crushed with the aid of a computer mouse

Method: Clear reception counter of any work-related items. Place large piece of flatbread directly on top of reception counter. Unwrap processed cheese slices and lay evenly across flatbread, pile discarded cheese product wrappers elsewhere on reception desk. Remember, it is the "office boy's" responsibility to dispose of these wrappers, not yours!

Next, open packets of mayonnaise with your teeth and squirt them on top of the cheese product. Use your index finger to spread the mayonnaise evenly across the cheese product. The mayonnaise layer must be at least 1/2 cm thick.

Employ the tooth technique to open the ketchup packets and use the tip of your index finger to swirl the ketchup through the sea of mayonnaise. All mayonnaise and ketchup packets should  be piled on top of cheese product wrappers. Don't worry if a packet or two fall on the ground, just point it out to the office boy when he walks by.

When you have blended the ketchup into the mayonnaise, scatter mixed vegetable pickles across your concoction.

Next, take a small packet of potato chips. Let the air out of the bag and place the flat bag on the reception counter beside your sandwich. Pick up your computer mouse and use it to crush the potato chips into a fine dust. Sprinkle potato chip dust across the top of the sandwich.

Now for the final flourish, starting at the left end of the sandwich, roll the bread tightly - just like a sushi chef rolls a tuna maki.

Bon apetit!

*For the folks back home, Sand Landian pickles look like this:



Not this: