Saturday, January 22, 2011

Are the Hookers of Sand Land Trolling For Johns in the Classified Ads?

I regularly advertise job vacancies in the classified sections of Sand Land's local papers, and I always use an email address that gives absolutely no indication of Fuckwittery, Inc.'s name. I've learned the hard way that if you use an "@fuckwitteryinc.com" address, a minimum of 100 people per hour will call Fuckwittery, Inc. and a good 70 to 80 will end up being transferred to me.

Once upon a time, unbeknownst to me, a former HR manager submitted a job ad to the local papers that contained my personal mobile number(!!!). Starting at 7:00 a.m. one morning (and continuing for 2 weeks), at least 20 hopeful job seekers per hour were dialing me up. I contemplated flinging my mobile out the window as it rang nonstop on the drive to the office. When I got to work, I called the numbskull HR manager into my office:

Me (shrieking, jumping up and down): Dude, what the hell were you thinking listing my mobile number in a job posting?

HR numbskull: Madam, I thought that you would want to screen the candidates personally.

Me: Okaaay. And why wouldn't I do that by checking the HR email account and reading their CVs?

HR numbskull: Well, madam, what about those applicants who aren't knowing how to use email? How would you screen them?

Me (foaming at the mouth): How would I screen them? How would I screen them?!?! They'd be weeded out automatically since it's 2011 and I have no earthly use for people who want to work in an office and can't use email!!!

 Anyway, I digress...when we place an ad in the paper, our anonymous email account generally receives the following:

  • 500+ emails from job seekers who want to apply for some job other than what we advertised for (i.e., systems analysts responding to an ad for reception staff and vice versa).
  • 300+ emails from job seekers who want the job advertised but who are in no way qualified.
  • 50 - 60 emails from local suppliers wanting to sell us shit like printer cartridges, window washing services or various power tools.
  • 20 emails from people who appear somewhat qualified for the job advertised but look to be total wackadoodles.
  • 10 emails from weirdos inviting us to join Facebook, Linked In, Quepasa, Brijj or any of the other half-baked networking sites people in Sand Land use.
  • 4 emails from African princes asking for our bank account information so they can hide $30 million from some usurping dictator who has killed their whole family.
  • 2 emails from people who want the job advertised and appear to be reasonably qualified and normal.
But with the past couple ads we've placed, I've notice something new in the mix - emails from girls with names like "Orchid Lovely" and "Sweetie Luuuvie Baby":

Dear Hensome Man,

Perhaps you will be suprise to know that I am loving you. Did you know it? Did you see how I do?

Tuth of this matter is I do, for all of the heart and for always. I seen you from a distance. I admire your grace. I know you are not only a strong man and a hensome man but also a important man.  So I confess to you I want you for myself.

If you want to ask me why I love you, sweet man, do not. I will be so bashful to tell you. So do not ask me that. Just write me back to say we can see each other. Don't make me a sad girl. I am a shy girl who has never loved anyone the way I love you. I want to see you, so tell me we can.

Loving you in etirnity,
Orchid

The first time our account got one of these emails, I thought it was a fluke. But then I got two more this week - all professing their undying love and respectful admiration of the handsome hensome/wealthy/powerful/strong man that I apparently am. All emails ask me to write back to arrange a meeting. So, with curiosity peaked, I did write back:

Dear Ms. Lovely,

Finally! At last you have found me! Orchid, I know you must be my true love because you are the only one who recognizes me for the manly man that I am. Most people mistakenly assume I am just an average looking woman. Only you were able to discern that I'm actually a hensome man.

I long to meet you!

Forever yours,
Ms. Adventures

The next day, I got this response:

Dear Ms. Adventures,

Only the foolish person could not see your hensome. I am happy you love me. I can meet you at th entrance to the [dodgy grocery store] in [neighborhood in Sand Town] at 10:00 p.m. tomorrow. I can't hardly wait to love you.

Loving you in etirnity,
Orchid

What's going on, folks? Are any of you HR/recruiter types out there getting these emails? Are times really that tough for the hookers of Sand Land? Judging from the skanky/trashy nightspots, I kind of had the impression that, beneath its puritanical facade, Sand Land was a fairly freaky place where ladies of the night wouldn't have to troll the classified ads for their johns.

15 comments:

  1. Dear Hensome man,

    Why you break my heart? I am being waiting for you all night and you no come. You know what this like? I am wearing my special micro mini skirt, tube top and fishnets to make my hensome man happy time and you leave me on street? You know how cold it is getting in the desert night?

    You know how I feel when these jackalmen look at me and lick their lips evilly? When they whistling at me like the wolves under the burning moon and raping me with their eyeballs? I have no money and have to eat the supersexy edible bra I am buying just for you to fight the paining in my stomachs! It smell like strawberries but taste like gooseberries. You know how special that is?

    Then I come home after doing many favors for taxi man ride and find you making fun of me on internets. Why you do like this? I tell you I sad girl...now you make me saddest girl in the world. I am crying for eleventeen hours now.

    But because I know you strong hensome man maybe I forgive you. But after you be leaving me to the vultures of the night how I trust you? Send me your full good name, address and bank account information so you can earn my trust again.

    Trust is the only superglue that can fix the small small pieces of my heart which you are breaking. If you want to save this poor shy girl you will be doing this...then we can meet and I can love you long time. I can't hardly wait. Don't leave me again or it will be like you are doing the samba on the little bits of my flowery heart.

    Loving you in etirnity (maybe),

    Orchid

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  2. ^ HAHAHAHAHAHHAaahahahAHahahAHAHHAaAHAH!11!1!!1!!! That is friggin' HILARIOUS!!!!!! *hot tea- over desk*

    xD

    Have I been whooooooossssssssssheddd by you Ms.Adventures? Or is that REALLY Ms. Orchid?!

    Kwaalitee, anyhow!!! xD

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  3. Damn, Orchid! Stop busting my balls, gurl! I told you I had a scheduling conflict and couldn't meet you at the grocery store. You can't trip out on me just because I forgot that I had to attend an ice cream social at the Sand Town Chapter of The Hensome, Graceful and Important Men's Guild.

    I just met you and you're already stawkin' my whole life! If we're gonna be together for etirnity, check yourself and stop acting like a Stage 5 Clinga!!

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  4. Lol Misadventure... real cool stuff and the comments also hilarious...edible bras,eleventeen hours...hehehe

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  5. And I thought I was the only one getting these mails in response to recruitment ads put forth for Sand_Castles_In_Air Corp.

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  6. Well... I can bet the off chance of getting these in their inbox is why half the recruiters of Sand Land even put ads in papers to begin with!

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  7. I really enjoy reading your blog - thanks! Always makes me smile, as well as burst out laughing. I have even quoted you! :)

    I look forward to more posts, even though I am in no way involved in HR, merely just another Sand Landian expatriate ;)

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  8. ROFL Misadventures!!! you are too funny for words.

    I check every day for new posts :-), please post more!!

    The day is so much more enjoyable with a morning cup of Misadventures.

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  9. OMG this is hilarious, and why on earth am I not receiving such emails?? Perhaps I ought to put a ;) after the company email address next time.

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  10. Dat Floral P.I.M.P.January 29, 2011 at 2:20 PM

    Yo Ms. HR Lady,

    Don't be playing ma ladies for a fool yo. Keepin Orchid in check aint easy yall. Time is money and I got ma mind on ma money and ma money on ma mind na mean? Ergo, since you be messing wit ma money, you be on ma mind!

    You betta watch out next time you see me rollin by in ma lime green yaris sitting on dubs wit da bass slammin ya heard?

    Anyhow, since she be wasting a whole night on yo shifty ass and handin out freebies to boot, I reckon you owe me da rent for 4 hours. I'll throw in 15 minutes with your pick from ma stable to sweeten the deal if Orchids aint yo thang. Let me know who to send over; Begonia, Petunia, Dandelion or Snake.

    Respeck,
    DFP Out!

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  11. Posting work emails, even if it doesn't mention names, is professional at all and i have no idea which incompetent company in Oman brought you as an expertise as you just showed you have none whatsoever. I can't believe they are paying you and especially after this post. I hope you get fired for this and I especially want to know the reaction of who you call HR numbskull and he better not be Citizen, snobby little american twat!

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  12. Oh man this is rotflmao hilarious.... :)

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  13. By far, my favorite comment is Anon 1/31 1031. bwahahaha

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  14. LOL @ Anonymous who posted on January 31. You are an idiot.

    "I especially want to know the reaction of who you call HR numbskull and he better not be Citizen, snobby little american twat!"

    Chances are the "HR Numbskull" got fired citizen and all!

    ReplyDelete