I regularly advertise job vacancies in the classified sections of Sand Land's local papers, and I always use an email address that gives absolutely no indication of Fuckwittery, Inc.'s name. I've learned the hard way that if you use an "@fuckwitteryinc.com" address, a minimum of 100 people per hour will call Fuckwittery, Inc. and a good 70 to 80 will end up being transferred to me.
Once upon a time, unbeknownst to me, a former HR manager submitted a job ad to the local papers that contained my personal mobile number(!!!). Starting at 7:00 a.m. one morning (and continuing for 2 weeks), at least 20 hopeful job seekers per hour were dialing me up. I contemplated flinging my mobile out the window as it rang nonstop on the drive to the office. When I got to work, I called the numbskull HR manager into my office:
Me (shrieking, jumping up and down): Dude, what the hell were you thinking listing my mobile number in a job posting?
HR numbskull: Madam, I thought that you would want to screen the candidates personally.
Me: Okaaay. And why wouldn't I do that by checking the HR email account and reading their CVs?
HR numbskull: Well, madam, what about those applicants who aren't knowing how to use email? How would you screen them?
Me (foaming at the mouth): How would I screen them? How would I screen them?!?! They'd be weeded out automatically since it's 2011 and I have no earthly use for people who want to work in an office and can't use email!!!
Anyway, I digress...when we place an ad in the paper, our anonymous email account generally receives the following:
- 500+ emails from job seekers who want to apply for some job other than what we advertised for (i.e., systems analysts responding to an ad for reception staff and vice versa).
- 300+ emails from job seekers who want the job advertised but who are in no way qualified.
- 50 - 60 emails from local suppliers wanting to sell us shit like printer cartridges, window washing services or various power tools.
- 20 emails from people who appear somewhat qualified for the job advertised but look to be total wackadoodles.
- 10 emails from weirdos inviting us to join Facebook, Linked In, Quepasa, Brijj or any of the other half-baked networking sites people in Sand Land use.
- 4 emails from African princes asking for our bank account information so they can hide $30 million from some usurping dictator who has killed their whole family.
- 2 emails from people who want the job advertised and appear to be reasonably qualified and normal.
But with the past couple ads we've placed, I've notice something new in the mix - emails from girls with names like "Orchid Lovely" and "Sweetie Luuuvie Baby":
Dear Hensome Man,
Perhaps you will be suprise to know that I am loving you. Did you know it? Did you see how I do?
Tuth of this matter is I do, for all of the heart and for always. I seen you from a distance. I admire your grace. I know you are not only a strong man and a hensome man but also a important man. So I confess to you I want you for myself.
If you want to ask me why I love you, sweet man, do not. I will be so bashful to tell you. So do not ask me that. Just write me back to say we can see each other. Don't make me a sad girl. I am a shy girl who has never loved anyone the way I love you. I want to see you, so tell me we can.
Loving you in etirnity,
The first time our account got one of these emails, I thought it was a fluke. But then I got two more this week - all professing their undying love and respectful admiration of the
handsome hensome/wealthy/powerful/strong man that I apparently am. All emails ask me to write back to arrange a meeting. So, with curiosity peaked, I did write back:
Dear Ms. Lovely,
Finally! At last you have found me! Orchid, I know you must be my true love because you are the only one who recognizes me for the manly man that I am. Most people mistakenly assume I am just an average looking woman. Only you were able to discern that I'm actually a hensome man.
I long to meet you!
The next day, I got this response:
Dear Ms. Adventures,
Only the foolish person could not see your hensome. I am happy you love me. I can meet you at th entrance to the [dodgy grocery store] in [neighborhood in Sand Town] at 10:00 p.m. tomorrow. I can't hardly wait to love you.
Loving you in etirnity,
What's going on, folks? Are any of you HR/recruiter types out there getting these emails? Are times really that tough for the hookers of Sand Land? Judging from the skanky/trashy nightspots, I kind of had the impression that, beneath its puritanical facade, Sand Land was a fairly freaky place where ladies of the night wouldn't have to troll the classified ads for their johns.